PFSB in London Above

[herald_ingress]

The door slams behind Ingress as she strides into Milliways. She hesitates in front of the House of Arch painting, but if she goes there she'll cry and be coddled, and her sister will give her the look that always says "Come home, we'll figure it out, just come back home to us." There is no figuring it out, not even with Tom's help. She was chosen for a reason. She wants to be a Herald. She wants to be with her companion. She wants to be a part of her new world, her true home now. She wants and wants and never stops wanting.

And, oh, tonight, she is tired. Tired to the bone. Tired deep down to her soul.

The last time she came here, she laughed like she had when she was little with her practice sword and tutu, when everything was bright before her and nothing could go wrong. When she went back to Haven, no time had passed; Megwyn asked her why she hadn't gone after all. Ingress hadn't answered right away, and then she'd simply said "I changed my mind" and then changed the subject.

When Megwyn found her here, all those years ago, she had been broken, possibly beyond repair. Door had tried so hard to be everything her sister needed her to be, but she was, Ingress knows now, ridiculously young, and she had Tom to deal with, too, even though he tried his best to fix them both as they stumbled together into life as a family. But Ingress had shattered that day in the greenhouse when the blood rushed out from her mother's throat onto the roses, and she'd been snatched, kicking and screaming, away from her home. She'd broken into more and more and more pieces during her silent captivity; isolated, cold, and in the constant dark with nothing but scuttling spiders for company.

She'd tried to open the door for Islington when he had her brought to him. She'd tried so hard. But she was too little, and the door he wanted was too far away, and when he screamed at her, she'd tried again, tried so hard that her ears hurt and her nose bled, but it still hadn't been enough and back she'd gone into the dark. She was fed irregularly, and, after a while, she stopped crying. She stopped hoping. She stopped feeling anything at all. When Door saved her months later, she had to learn how to be a little sister, how to be loved, how to be Ingress again.

When Megwyn found her, when she chose her as her herald, the bond between them mended the broken parts within her enough that, with all the rest of the love and support from her family and friends, she healed quickly. Ingress came out of the dark that day, for good, in her mind and heart, and she lived and she laughed and she thrived.

But even when you're not broken, life isn't easy. Ingress has the blessing of a companion who is always - and will always be - there for her, but she's as lonely as any single young woman hoping with all her heart for more. Her  three week circuit had ended, and she was tired and wounded from a skirmish - nothing terrible, but enough to make her constantly aware of the ache on her left side that kept her from sleeping well. When she got back to her room, her heart full of hope and relief, the message basket beside her door was empty. Cassildra hadn't written. That made two months without word from her, and, what was worse, Mewgyn gently told her no when Ingress asked her to check in with her Companion, Talian, to see if Cassildra was okay. Which meant... which meant Cassildra wasn't going to write her. Ever.

Blast it all, it wasn't as if Ingress had insisted on a betrothal. She was deeply smitten, but she'd tried to play it cool, to not be clingy, as her ex-boyfriend had called her a year before. When Cassildra was posted indefinitely across the kingdom, she'd only had hoped for letters. And for something, maybe one day, more than an empty bed night after night.  But that was looking like it would be her fate.

It was hard for Ingress, even still, to fit in as someone from 'out kingdom'. Someone with strange hair and strange eyes and strange gifts who was oh so lovely, and such a gifted fighter, but never quite enough to secure a place in a beloved's heart.

She slumps onto one of the couches near the fireplace. There are times when she wonders if it would be worth opening the door that she keeps tightly shut within herself, the door with thoughts of her sister and her birth world and just what could be fixed and what couldn't behind it.

Or... maybe she'll get really, really drunk and not think about anything for a while, until her wide open heart pains her just a little bit  less.

Comments

[herald_ingress]

Ingress isn't.

"We're getting checked out so hard," she snickers to Wei Wuxian.

She blows a kiss to a woman in a bow tie and plaid vest whose eyes linger on her. She gets a wink in response, and Ingress steps in time to the beat of the music as she sidles over and presses against the woman, planting a kiss on her cheek as she dances away, looking over her shoulder. The woman watches her, smiling, but then her eyes stray to someone else.

Oh, well. It was worth a try.

"I'm going to get a pink drink next. Bright pink."

And then she's going to dance, dance, dance. Her ears hurt a little, but the music is worth it.

[acrookedpath]

"I don't know what I want," he says -- well, yells over the music -- as he leans on the bar a bit more heavily than the previous times he's ordered for them. "I'll decide later Something pink for you, though! What's pink?"

The very patient bartender makes a few suggestions, Wei Wuxian nodding earnestly along, and soon enough Ingress does, indeed, have a blindingly pink drink in her hands.

"And this is for you, mate," the bartender says. He grabs a glass even smaller than a traditional teacup and begins expertly layering several kinds of creamy-looking liquor into it.

Wei Wuxian's brow knits. "Huh?"

"From that one down the way," he says, and jerks his head toward a young man in an extraordinarily tight shirt at the end of the bar. The young man winks, lifting his glass toward Wei Wuxian.

Oh. Oh no. He can feel his face flushing deeper.

[herald_ingress]

"This is delicious," she says, and then, a few beats behind real time, her eyes widen with surprise and delight as she realizes what's happening.

The shirt is impressively tight.

"I won't throw you in front of him, but Temple and Arch, look at those abs. Guh."

She should probably not abandon Wei Wuxian to go dance. Not when he's this shade of red. He is cute as a button, though. She pulls the camera out of her bag and she snaps his picture.

Thanks to the magical light filters, it will come out fine.

[acrookedpath]

"Ingress! You -- !"

He scrambles to try and grab the picture as it slides out of the camera.

"No no no no no, what if Lan Zhan sees it? I can't let him see that! He'll ask what I was looking at and I don't want him to think I -- "

[herald_ingress]

"I'd never show it to him, I promise," she insists, and she lets him take the picture to make sure he knows her word is good.

"You never know. If he knew someone who looked like that was interested - very interested - he might get jealous. And then you'd know."

[acrookedpath]

"Lan Zhan doesn't get jealous! He's too -- " He flounders. "He's too good. Aiya, Ingress, even if he likes me too I don't deserve him, why should I bother."

He puts his head in his hands.

"He's perfect. He's so beautiful. It's awful. I made this, this talisman array, because I'm trying to learn all the energy signa -- sig -- patterns at the inn, and I tested it on him and he just." Is he getting misty-eyed? "He shone. He's so good."

Realizing he still hasn't done anything about the drink in front of him, he pushes it back to the bartender, trying to wrangle some composure back in place. "Tell him thank you, he flatters me, but I can't. Can I get something else with my own money? I don't know what. Just something."

[herald_ingress]

"Two, um -" her eyes flicker to one of the advertisement posters hung against the wall. "Stella Artois. Please."

The bartender's eyes don't slide away from her when she speaks, and when Ingress slaps down a pound note that is worth way more than two bottles of beer, his attention stays and Ingress smiles as he fulfills her order.

The music is great, but it's starting to make Ingress' head ache, and this situation calls for something besides shrieking at each other in a crowded dance club.

"Come on," she says, tugging his sleeve once the cold beers are in their hands. "We should find something to eat. Do you like curry? I love curry."

She bundles him out of the crowd and, because it's London, there's a curry stand close by, and there's even a patch of grass where they can settle down and eat in some privacy.

"Do you like spicy food?" she asks as they stand in the short line in front of the counter.

[acrookedpath]

Loud and crowded as the club might be, Wei Wuxian isn't sure he wants to leave yet. It's so vibrant. It's like standing at the heart of something shimmering and gorgeously alive. And Ingress wanted to dance, and now he's ruining it by being maudlin -- maybe they can go back later? After curry. Yes.

"I love spicy food," he declares. "Lan Zhan never forgets to bring chili oil when we get dinner. My friends, my old friends, they would ask how I could taste anything at all because I would put so much spice on my food..."

Takeout boxes of curry in one hand, beers in the other, they amble to the patch of grass. Wei Wuxian does not sit so much as do a slow-motion collapse, quickly catching himself before he can topple over altogether.

[herald_ingress]

She could care less about dancing right now. Actually, she finds that she's really hungry, and taking a break from neon colored liquor might be the wisest choice she's made this evening.

"Okay. He shines. I get it. I have met him, and I get it. But no one is perfect. Not even gods and deities."

Especially not gods and deities, or at least the ones she's known about at Milliways.

"But he's there for you every night, staying with you in the same room, far away from home when he doesn't have to be, and he always remembers the chili oil for you. Has he ever been with another person since you've known him?"

[acrookedpath]

"No," he admits as he pokes at his food. "But I don't know! We barely spoke for several years, he might have met someone then. Or maybe he's not interested in anyone, ever. You've met him. He's so reserved."

Wei Wuxian swigs some of his beer.

"And he puts up with so much from me already. You know he was awake half the night last night because I couldn't sleep?" His fingers are clumsy around the plastic fork; it takes an extra attempt to get a bite of food to his mouth. "I can't keep putting burdens on him. He's been through too much."

[herald_ingress]

He stayed up with him when he couldn't sleep? Oh. Oh, that's so...

"Do you ask him to be there? Do you say, 'Lan Wangji, I need you to stay with me' or does he just... do it? Show up and that's that?"

[acrookedpath]

"No," he mumbles. "I tell him to go back to sleep and he never listens. He needs to sleep."

This is vitally important. Lan Zhan needs sleep! He's slept on a cold cave floor for three years because of what Wei Wuxian did, and -- oh, no, he's certain the blur in his eyes isn't all the alcohol's doing anymore. They were having such a nice time and now he's ruining things, again.

[herald_ingress]

He's not ruining a damn thing. Ingress sets down her curry on the ground and scoots closer, wrapping an arm around Wei Wuxian's shoulders.

She won't guess motives or assume intentions, even if she's finding out more information that points to the confirmation of her guesses. But she can comfort a friend.

"You say you don't deserve him. I don't understand, because I think you deserve every kindness and good thing that can come your way."

[acrookedpath]

"I don't," he insists. He lists sideways into Ingress's hug, realizes five seconds later what he just said, and forces out a laugh. "But that is not the point. The point. The point is that I'm in love with Lan Zhan and I don't know what to do. And I shouldn't be burdening you with this either, you've had a bad day all your own without me putting my bad day on top of it, we were having a nice time and all I'm doing is... this."

He waves a meandering hand about.

[herald_ingress]

"Here's the thing though."

She pauses as she tries to remember exactly what the thing is. Oh, right!

"You don't get to decide for me. Or for him. If we want to be with you or be nice to you, that's our choice. You're not the boss just because you think you're not the best person that ever walked the earth. It's not about who had the bad days or how much of a burden you think you are - friends, people who love each other, are in it because the hard parts are - well, they're just part of it. And when someone you love hurts, you hurt, too, and why wouldn't you want to make them feel better?"

Okay, she rambled on a bit there, but she thinks that made sense.

[acrookedpath]

It did! Mostly! He thinks.

Unfortunately, it seems Wei Wuxian's main takeaway is: "Yes! And that's why he needs to sleep," he declares. "Because I love him. Should I tell him that? Maybe if I say it like that I won't scare him away. And maybe he'll sleep too!"

This is the perfect solution. Ingress, you are a genius.

[herald_ingress]

"You both should absolutely use words. Like. Actual words that you speak. Out loud."

She's trying to be really clear and specific here, because they are boys, and she's noticed you have to be really clear and specific sometimes when it comes to communication and boys.

"And sweetie, you do deserve good things. I promise. You do. Because look, what if he feels the same way but is too scared or reserved or whatever to say it? Is it okay for men to even be together where you're from? I know for some worlds it's not, and that makes things even harder."

[acrookedpath]

He makes a drawn-out noncommittal noise, wiggling his shoulders in an approximation of a shrug. "It's not typical," he says, and only stumbles over the word a little bit. "You need heirs. Some people think it's more shameful than others? I don't care that much. I don't know if Lan Zhan does though."

Wei Wuxian smiles a little.

"I was suprised to see it so openly back there. It was nice. All of that was nice."

[herald_ingress]

"I think so, too. I think you should love whoever you love, and nothing like body parts or anything like that matters. So... so maybe that is where you start? Asking what he thinks about it?"

Because Lan Wangji might not have romantic attachments, and that's absolutely fine. But it helps if you know that for a fact.

"All I know is from what you've said, it sounds like -" and now it's Ingress' turn to get misty eyed, but not in a bad way "- that's what I want. A special someone. Who's always there for me and remembers the things I like and cares about me."

[acrookedpath]

A surefire way to distract Wei Wuxian from his own feelings: if somebody else has an attack of feelings nearby!

"Oh, Ingress," he says. His takeout is on the ground by now, too; he flings an arm around her. "You will! You will. It's, it's like you said, before we left, they're fools if they don't like you. Someone will. How could they not?"

[herald_ingress]

She hugs him tightly.

"But you said that you didn't deserve him because you've been a fool, and you're not a fool. You're worthy, Wei Wuxian, you deserve good things, too. It hurts my heart to hear you say you don't."

Sniffle!

"Because everyone deserves love and happiness. No matter what they've done. Everyone."

[acrookedpath]

"Ah, no, don't cry," he says, "you'll make me cry -- "

(As if he weren't already getting teary-eyed.)

"It's all right. I'm fine! I have the inn, I have you and my other new friends, I'm fine. I am."

[herald_ingress]

"I hear you, I do, but are you?"

How can he be? He's dead, he's in love with his best friend and doesn't know what to do about it, and he has a cloud of sadness that wraps around him sometimes like the magic he channels.

"Because, you don't have to be fine. I'm not fine today. You can be not fine. You don't have to do things or be different just to please the people around you. I want you to be you. And I can guarantee that it's the same for Lan Wangji. So don't worry about me. Be you."

[acrookedpath]

On the surface, it sounds utterly absurd that anyone would tell the Yiling Patriarch that it's okay to be himself. When has he ever been anything less? He laughs, a little, resting his head against the cloud of Ingress's blue hair as he blinks back more tears.

"No," he tries to explain. He's far too drunk by now to be anything but honest. "No, I can't, because if I stopped being fine, I would never be fine again. It wouldn't just be a bad day. I have a long afterlife ahead of me and I won't spend it being useless. I can't."

[herald_ingress]

She clings to him, more for her own comfort now than for his, and curses the unfairness of life, the universe, and everything.

“Okay. Okay. You’re not going to be useless. Did Tom invite you to take rooms in the House? If not, then I’m inviting you, because you have people who want to care about you. Let us. Okay?”

She would wrap him in velvet and hide him in her old room if she had to. She’s also drunk and she knows that sometimes she says things by accident that hurt people, like poor Harrow and now Wei Wuxian, because she was raised loved and whole with the ability to know joy. She always assumed everyone could access that joy, the powerful love of life, as easily as she can, that everyone has had a loving family and/or magical companion to turn to who’ll do anything to support them. As she’s getting older, she realizes that her situation is often the exception, and not the rule, no matter the world.

It breaks her heart and it makes her more determined to do whatever she can to make up for the damage others carry with them that she can’t fathom.

She misses Megwyn, suddenly, not with the pang of distance and separation that is a warning, but with the solid understanding that an escape can be fun so long as you never stop remembering what you get to go back to.