PFSB in London Above

[herald_ingress]

The door slams behind Ingress as she strides into Milliways. She hesitates in front of the House of Arch painting, but if she goes there she'll cry and be coddled, and her sister will give her the look that always says "Come home, we'll figure it out, just come back home to us." There is no figuring it out, not even with Tom's help. She was chosen for a reason. She wants to be a Herald. She wants to be with her companion. She wants to be a part of her new world, her true home now. She wants and wants and never stops wanting.

And, oh, tonight, she is tired. Tired to the bone. Tired deep down to her soul.

The last time she came here, she laughed like she had when she was little with her practice sword and tutu, when everything was bright before her and nothing could go wrong. When she went back to Haven, no time had passed; Megwyn asked her why she hadn't gone after all. Ingress hadn't answered right away, and then she'd simply said "I changed my mind" and then changed the subject.

When Megwyn found her here, all those years ago, she had been broken, possibly beyond repair. Door had tried so hard to be everything her sister needed her to be, but she was, Ingress knows now, ridiculously young, and she had Tom to deal with, too, even though he tried his best to fix them both as they stumbled together into life as a family. But Ingress had shattered that day in the greenhouse when the blood rushed out from her mother's throat onto the roses, and she'd been snatched, kicking and screaming, away from her home. She'd broken into more and more and more pieces during her silent captivity; isolated, cold, and in the constant dark with nothing but scuttling spiders for company.

She'd tried to open the door for Islington when he had her brought to him. She'd tried so hard. But she was too little, and the door he wanted was too far away, and when he screamed at her, she'd tried again, tried so hard that her ears hurt and her nose bled, but it still hadn't been enough and back she'd gone into the dark. She was fed irregularly, and, after a while, she stopped crying. She stopped hoping. She stopped feeling anything at all. When Door saved her months later, she had to learn how to be a little sister, how to be loved, how to be Ingress again.

When Megwyn found her, when she chose her as her herald, the bond between them mended the broken parts within her enough that, with all the rest of the love and support from her family and friends, she healed quickly. Ingress came out of the dark that day, for good, in her mind and heart, and she lived and she laughed and she thrived.

But even when you're not broken, life isn't easy. Ingress has the blessing of a companion who is always - and will always be - there for her, but she's as lonely as any single young woman hoping with all her heart for more. Her  three week circuit had ended, and she was tired and wounded from a skirmish - nothing terrible, but enough to make her constantly aware of the ache on her left side that kept her from sleeping well. When she got back to her room, her heart full of hope and relief, the message basket beside her door was empty. Cassildra hadn't written. That made two months without word from her, and, what was worse, Mewgyn gently told her no when Ingress asked her to check in with her Companion, Talian, to see if Cassildra was okay. Which meant... which meant Cassildra wasn't going to write her. Ever.

Blast it all, it wasn't as if Ingress had insisted on a betrothal. She was deeply smitten, but she'd tried to play it cool, to not be clingy, as her ex-boyfriend had called her a year before. When Cassildra was posted indefinitely across the kingdom, she'd only had hoped for letters. And for something, maybe one day, more than an empty bed night after night.  But that was looking like it would be her fate.

It was hard for Ingress, even still, to fit in as someone from 'out kingdom'. Someone with strange hair and strange eyes and strange gifts who was oh so lovely, and such a gifted fighter, but never quite enough to secure a place in a beloved's heart.

She slumps onto one of the couches near the fireplace. There are times when she wonders if it would be worth opening the door that she keeps tightly shut within herself, the door with thoughts of her sister and her birth world and just what could be fixed and what couldn't behind it.

Or... maybe she'll get really, really drunk and not think about anything for a while, until her wide open heart pains her just a little bit  less.

Comments

[herald_ingress]

He stayed up with him when he couldn't sleep? Oh. Oh, that's so...

"Do you ask him to be there? Do you say, 'Lan Wangji, I need you to stay with me' or does he just... do it? Show up and that's that?"

[acrookedpath]

"No," he mumbles. "I tell him to go back to sleep and he never listens. He needs to sleep."

This is vitally important. Lan Zhan needs sleep! He's slept on a cold cave floor for three years because of what Wei Wuxian did, and -- oh, no, he's certain the blur in his eyes isn't all the alcohol's doing anymore. They were having such a nice time and now he's ruining things, again.

[herald_ingress]

He's not ruining a damn thing. Ingress sets down her curry on the ground and scoots closer, wrapping an arm around Wei Wuxian's shoulders.

She won't guess motives or assume intentions, even if she's finding out more information that points to the confirmation of her guesses. But she can comfort a friend.

"You say you don't deserve him. I don't understand, because I think you deserve every kindness and good thing that can come your way."

[acrookedpath]

"I don't," he insists. He lists sideways into Ingress's hug, realizes five seconds later what he just said, and forces out a laugh. "But that is not the point. The point. The point is that I'm in love with Lan Zhan and I don't know what to do. And I shouldn't be burdening you with this either, you've had a bad day all your own without me putting my bad day on top of it, we were having a nice time and all I'm doing is... this."

He waves a meandering hand about.

[herald_ingress]

"Here's the thing though."

She pauses as she tries to remember exactly what the thing is. Oh, right!

"You don't get to decide for me. Or for him. If we want to be with you or be nice to you, that's our choice. You're not the boss just because you think you're not the best person that ever walked the earth. It's not about who had the bad days or how much of a burden you think you are - friends, people who love each other, are in it because the hard parts are - well, they're just part of it. And when someone you love hurts, you hurt, too, and why wouldn't you want to make them feel better?"

Okay, she rambled on a bit there, but she thinks that made sense.

[acrookedpath]

It did! Mostly! He thinks.

Unfortunately, it seems Wei Wuxian's main takeaway is: "Yes! And that's why he needs to sleep," he declares. "Because I love him. Should I tell him that? Maybe if I say it like that I won't scare him away. And maybe he'll sleep too!"

This is the perfect solution. Ingress, you are a genius.

[herald_ingress]

"You both should absolutely use words. Like. Actual words that you speak. Out loud."

She's trying to be really clear and specific here, because they are boys, and she's noticed you have to be really clear and specific sometimes when it comes to communication and boys.

"And sweetie, you do deserve good things. I promise. You do. Because look, what if he feels the same way but is too scared or reserved or whatever to say it? Is it okay for men to even be together where you're from? I know for some worlds it's not, and that makes things even harder."

[acrookedpath]

He makes a drawn-out noncommittal noise, wiggling his shoulders in an approximation of a shrug. "It's not typical," he says, and only stumbles over the word a little bit. "You need heirs. Some people think it's more shameful than others? I don't care that much. I don't know if Lan Zhan does though."

Wei Wuxian smiles a little.

"I was suprised to see it so openly back there. It was nice. All of that was nice."

[herald_ingress]

"I think so, too. I think you should love whoever you love, and nothing like body parts or anything like that matters. So... so maybe that is where you start? Asking what he thinks about it?"

Because Lan Wangji might not have romantic attachments, and that's absolutely fine. But it helps if you know that for a fact.

"All I know is from what you've said, it sounds like -" and now it's Ingress' turn to get misty eyed, but not in a bad way "- that's what I want. A special someone. Who's always there for me and remembers the things I like and cares about me."

[acrookedpath]

A surefire way to distract Wei Wuxian from his own feelings: if somebody else has an attack of feelings nearby!

"Oh, Ingress," he says. His takeout is on the ground by now, too; he flings an arm around her. "You will! You will. It's, it's like you said, before we left, they're fools if they don't like you. Someone will. How could they not?"

[herald_ingress]

She hugs him tightly.

"But you said that you didn't deserve him because you've been a fool, and you're not a fool. You're worthy, Wei Wuxian, you deserve good things, too. It hurts my heart to hear you say you don't."

Sniffle!

"Because everyone deserves love and happiness. No matter what they've done. Everyone."

[acrookedpath]

"Ah, no, don't cry," he says, "you'll make me cry -- "

(As if he weren't already getting teary-eyed.)

"It's all right. I'm fine! I have the inn, I have you and my other new friends, I'm fine. I am."

[herald_ingress]

"I hear you, I do, but are you?"

How can he be? He's dead, he's in love with his best friend and doesn't know what to do about it, and he has a cloud of sadness that wraps around him sometimes like the magic he channels.

"Because, you don't have to be fine. I'm not fine today. You can be not fine. You don't have to do things or be different just to please the people around you. I want you to be you. And I can guarantee that it's the same for Lan Wangji. So don't worry about me. Be you."

[acrookedpath]

On the surface, it sounds utterly absurd that anyone would tell the Yiling Patriarch that it's okay to be himself. When has he ever been anything less? He laughs, a little, resting his head against the cloud of Ingress's blue hair as he blinks back more tears.

"No," he tries to explain. He's far too drunk by now to be anything but honest. "No, I can't, because if I stopped being fine, I would never be fine again. It wouldn't just be a bad day. I have a long afterlife ahead of me and I won't spend it being useless. I can't."

[herald_ingress]

She clings to him, more for her own comfort now than for his, and curses the unfairness of life, the universe, and everything.

“Okay. Okay. You’re not going to be useless. Did Tom invite you to take rooms in the House? If not, then I’m inviting you, because you have people who want to care about you. Let us. Okay?”

She would wrap him in velvet and hide him in her old room if she had to. She’s also drunk and she knows that sometimes she says things by accident that hurt people, like poor Harrow and now Wei Wuxian, because she was raised loved and whole with the ability to know joy. She always assumed everyone could access that joy, the powerful love of life, as easily as she can, that everyone has had a loving family and/or magical companion to turn to who’ll do anything to support them. As she’s getting older, she realizes that her situation is often the exception, and not the rule, no matter the world.

It breaks her heart and it makes her more determined to do whatever she can to make up for the damage others carry with them that she can’t fathom.

She misses Megwyn, suddenly, not with the pang of distance and separation that is a warning, but with the solid understanding that an escape can be fun so long as you never stop remembering what you get to go back to.

[acrookedpath]

"I'm fine," he says again, in thoughtless reflex, and immediately belies this with a sniffle. "Ah, Ingress. I'm fine. He did, he even said Lan Zhan could come too. Wouldn't that be terrible, if I said I loved him and then moved somewhere he couldn't go?" Again, there's that little pained laugh. "So that's good. That's good. I'm happy with the room I have but I'll probably move there soon. It'll be nice to have a home again."

It's too bright to see any stars, even though the sky has sunk into twilight. The moon is there, though, just atop one of the buildings, wobbling slightly with Wei Wuxian's drunkeness.

"I'm sorry. I don't want to make you miserable. It's been such a good night."

[herald_ingress]

“You goose, stop saying you’re sorry. Didn’t you know that a crying bout is a required part of a drunken bar crawl? We can check it off the list. I’m not miserable and this is still a great night.”

[acrookedpath]

He breaks into a laugh -- a genuine one, watery with unshed tears -- before clumsily digging the heel of his palm against his eyes to wipe them clear. "I'm very drunk, yes," he admits, unperturbed. "Let's finish our food, then go see what else we can find. Maybe walk to clear our heads a little before we go back to drinking?"

Because even he knows that once the world starts to sway around him and he's bemoaning how useless he is, it's time to back off a little before he ends up in a ditch with Ingress holding back his hair.

[herald_ingress]

“That’s a great idea.”

She finally lets go of the poor drunken man, but one hand keeps patting his back for a few moments.

“You have the best ideas. I- we should probably drink some water? And walk. Oh, and I do still want to dance, but my ears hurt.”

[acrookedpath]

"Water! Yes. We need water. We'll find some. And I promise we'll find somewhere quieter for you to dance -- or maybe your ears'll hurt less after we walk and we can go back to the last place?"

He really wants to go back to the last place, even if it made his ears hurt, too.

They don't have too much curry (or beer) left, and soon enough they heave themselves to their feet -- Wei Wuxian stumbling a little, catching himself on Ingress with a laugh -- to toss the empty takeout boxes in a nearby trash can. Turns out the curry stand sells water, too; after another short wait in line, they're ambling down the street, sipping from plastic bottles that drip condensation over their hands.

Where to next? That one disreputable bar was pretty fun. Maybe there'll be another one down one of the darker streets branching out from the main avenue. No harm in looking, even if they're taking a break from drinking!

[herald_ingress]

They're totally going back to the dance club. The night is young! Ish! But walking in a little quiet is a nice break for now.

In the Underside, as an Opener, you cast out your senses, so to speak, "feeling" your way along if you're not on a path with doors and passageways you know well. You just know, intangibly, where to go next. Alleyways and dark corners are more common in London Below than busy lit sidewalks, so Ingress wanders along like she knows where she's going, even though she doesn't, with innate confidence as they wander and and chatter, and most importantly, hydrate.

They're halfway through a dark and creepily quiet alley when a burly teenager brandishing a knife jumps in front of them.

"Gimme your money," he snarls.

Ingress blinks at him for a second and then starts laughing, holding on to Wei Wuxian to keep herself upright.

[acrookedpath]

Instinctively, Wei Wuxian jolts to a stop when the blade flashes, holding up a hand to forestall any attack. He presses his lips together, valiantly stifling a laugh of his own as Ingress cracks up next to him.

"...No?" he says. He waves his hand toward the mugger's knife as if shooing it back. "Listen put that away, what do you think it's going to do? Let's -- "

His mouth twitches. Trying to keep it together when Ingress is laughing so hard: not the easiest thing!

"Let's just," he tries again, and that's as far as he gets before he cracks up, too.

[herald_ingress]

The kid is really confused and pretty mad about their reactions. When he lunges toward them yelling the same demand, Ingress steps out and in one fluent motion, grabs his wrist, disarms him, steps on the knife that clatters to the pavement, twists his arm behind his back, and says, in a cheerful voice, "Go home, friend."

She gives him a little shove to emphasize her advice. The teenager gives them one baffled look over his shoulder and runs toward the mouth of the alley and out of their sight.

"Need a knife?" Ingress asks Wei Wuxian. "I have one already."

It's in a hidden sheath strapped high up on her right thigh because Havelock Vetenari taught Ingress to always be prepared.

[acrookedpath]

He's bent over his knees, giggling helplessly with the side of his hand pressed to his mouth. "Yes," he manages. "Well done, Ingress."

Seriously, that was beautiful. Such grace! Such precision! What a great friend he's found.

He adds the knife to one of the duck satchel's inner pockets, then, realizing Ingress has been carrying the bag all night, cheerfully slings it over his shoulder as they keep walking. A few alleys later, they're back on a well-lit street; it looks a little quieter than the others, a bit more polished. Ahead of them is -- maybe it's another drinking establishment? The name's in such a curly, elaborate script that even Milliways' translation magic gives up on trying to make sense of it. (Though Wei Wuxian's intoxication certainly doesn't help, either.)

And the doors are gold.

He's starting to laugh again. "What is that? Should we go see?"

[herald_ingress]

"This is posh," she says, and she opens those gold doors and walks in like she owns the place. Not that anyone even really notices her, but it's the principle of the matter.

Every table in the sleek restaurant is filled with parties of people wearing outfits worth more than what any of the bartenders who've served them make per year. Since the maître d' is occupied at his stand when they walk in, Ingress just keeps going. There's a large private room towards the back that has tasteful signs marking it as the "Royal Heritage Trust Annual Fête", and hey, Ingress loves a party.

Ingress and Wei Wuxian swan into the private fundraising event like they belong there.

"Ooh, champagne," she says, lifting two flutes off the tray of a server in a tuxedo. "You have to try champagne."